Evie has officially been home an entire year! Can you believe it?
Here she is the day we brought her home, after 58 days in the NICU.
I’ve never been so happy and so terrified in my whole life.
She was just about the same size as Aleyna was when she came home at 2 days old! Such a tiny little girl, so frail, but such a fighter.
It was hard to not just come home with her, though. We came home with equipment, supplies, and a whole lot of fear. They did a great job of teaching us everything at the hospital, but doing things at home is a completely different scenario. There’s no real way to prep, you just survive. You figure things out as you go. What works, what doesn’t.
The hardest part of it all, though? Evie didn’t want to be around us. She had spent two months in her own quiet, dimly lit room, with little to do except work on breathing. We were so excited to finally have her home and all I wanted to do was snuggle her, but she wanted to spent about 90% of her time in her crib, in her room, by herself. It was all very overwhelming for her (especially the addition of a certain noisy 2 year old!) and devastating for us. After a few months, she could tolerate being out in the living room with us most of the day, but still didn’t want to be held much. Some of that was due to the horrible problems we had with her gtube, but mostly she just couldn’t handle the stimulation.
Bonding was hard. I think Ty and I would both say that we didn’t feel that Evie was really ours until she’d been home almost four months. Six months old. Breaks my heart that it took so long, but in reality, we weren’t her parents. We were her nurses. Very very sleep deprived nurses.
I think once we got the gtube issues sorted out as well as ear tubes that relieved the incredible pressure of fluid in her ears, she was finally open to bonding. It’s funny to think of now, because she is such a demanding little snuggle bug now! When she’s sleepy for a nap, she’ll round up a pacifier and blankie and crawl over to be snuggled and rocked. At night though, she will NOT be snuggled. She expects to be put in her bed (which I will NEVER complain about!).
Evie has come so far! She constantly surprises us and brings so much joy into our lives. A year ago, I had no idea how incredible our lives were going to be now that she was in our family! To my shame, I only saw the loss of other things: family vacations, trips to the pool, breastfeeding, a “normal” home life. I couldn’t even begin to imagine that this new path was one so much better than anything I could have planned myself. But it is! It is so much better.
One of my favorite devotions from Charles Spurgeon says this:
Remember this, had any other condition been better for you than the one in which you are, divine love would have put you there. You are placed by God in the most suitable circumstances, and if you had the choosing of your lot, you would soon cry, “Lord, choose my inheritance for me, for by my self-will I am pierced through with many sorrows.” Be content with such things as you have, since the Lord has ordered all things for your good. Take up your own daily cross; it is the burden best suited for your shoulder, and will prove most effective to make you perfect in every good word and work to the glory of God. Down busy self, and proud impatience, it is not for you to choose, but for the Lord of Love!
But with humble faith to see
Love inscribed upon them all;
This is happiness to me.”
I love that. “Had any other condition been better for you than the one in which you are, divine love would have put you there.”
We didn’t think so a year ago, but I can say without hesitation that yes, yes this is the absolute best plan for our lives and our children’s lives. God is so very good to give us the best instead of giving us what we ask for!